Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Senator John Kennedy (R-Crayfish), who sounds like an AI trained on Foghorn Leghorn and Yahoo Answers, has declared war on shrimp. Specifically, radioactive shrimp.
Kennedy, speaking directly to the demographic that thinks “Best By” dates are government overreach, waved around a picture of an Alien like it was his ex-wife’s divorce lawyer holding up the prenup during a custody battle for their shared collection of taxidermy nutria. “This here’s what you become if you eat that radioactive shrimp!” he declared, and then sprinkled holy water on a nearby prop of a platter of scampi and demanded it recite the Pledge of Allegiance. He then pulled a pistol out of his suit pocket and shot it, something that’s been legal in Congress since January 6th, 2021.
“These shrimp are radioactive! Radioactive, I tell ya!” he continued, seemingly unaware that he was eerily mimicking the actual plot of Pacific Rim 3. He then described how the shrimp, imported by a Florida company named Beaver Street Fisheries, obvious joke goes here uh huh uh huh huh, might contain cesium-137, a radioactive isotope best known for starring in a 1980s public service announcement right before the Duck and Cover turtle got fired for saying “we’re all screwed.”
The shrimp in question were recalled under a Class II FDA warning, which is a step below “imminent death” and a step above “weird tingly feeling.” Naturally, Kennedy took this as evidence of a seafood-based apocalypse.
“It’s like The Fly, but with cocktail sauce,” Kennedy explained. “First it’s an extra ear, then you’re screaming ‘kill me’ in Spanish while bursting out of your neighbor’s chest.”
As the FDA tried to calmly point out that no contaminated shrimp actually made it into stores, Kennedy doubled down, warning that the shrimp might also cause people to become other Ridley Scott characters. “You eat enough of this stuff and you’re waking up a Blade Runner. Eat it on toast and you’re Prometheus. If you’re really unlucky, you’ll turn into Russell Crowe in Robin Hood, and nobody wants that.”
This guy was taking advantage of an "All You Can Eat Shrimp" deal at his local seafood shack. (Twentieth Century Fox)
A representative from Beaver Street Fisheries, uh huh huh, attempted to explain that cesium-137 is a relatively common environmental trace contaminant, but Kennedy was already drawing a comparison to radioactive shrimp turning people into creatures that would require Ripley’s Power Loader exosuit to eliminate.
“It’s a slippery slope!” he cried. “One minute it’s shrimp, next thing you know,you’re explaining to your insurance adjuster that a talking android stabbed your jazz band with a saxophone. “It’s All the Money in the World,” Kennedy muttered, misunderstanding both the plot and the exchange rate of shrimp-based currency.
Critics argue that Kennedy is being alarmist, to which he replied, “Yes.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
