Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
NEW ORLEANS — Actor Shia LaBeouf, who has publicly credited sobriety with saving his life and his marriage, spent the five days leading up to Fat Tuesday drinking at dive bars across the Uptown neighborhood before being arrested early Tuesday morning for allegedly punching two people outside a Royal Street business with his closed fists. Which interestingly implies that New Orleans has different laws regarding slap-fighting, which I will not be looking up.
SLB years before his rampage through the streets of New Orleans. (John Bauld/depositphotos)
The Transformers star arrived at Ms. Mae’s, a cash-only establishment that stays open 24 hours, around the time the Bacchus super-krewe parade rolled up St. Charles Avenue. He was shirtless, cashless, and accompanied by what doorman Robert Skuse described as an “inebriated state” and an over-eagerness to ask strangers if they knew who he was.
“He was so nice on Thursday,” recalled one bartender, emphasizing “on Thursday”. By Sunday, LaBeouf had attempted to appoint himself celebrity bartender, asked multiple times if he could use his credit card at a bar with “at least 50 ‘Cash Only’ signs,” and been told by one bartender, “Why don’t you go back and dig holes?” which was a reference to his 2003 breakout film, but in this case was a suggestion they wanted him to take literally.
Other sightings placed LaBeouf at Dos Jefes, a cigar bar where he reportedly gave unsolicited acting instructions to a woman at the bar while being “louder than everyone.” He also appeared at 45 Tchoup, where co-owner Deb Shatz confirmed he was “totally chill” before dipping his card and leaving without signing. “We added a 20 percent gratuity,” she said.
Staff at Brothers III Lounge, a legendary dive on Magazine Street, confirmed additional visitations, though details remain appropriately hazy. “He is terrorizing the city,” said one bartender, requesting anonymity and presumably hazard pay.
No word on whether SLB picked a fight with this painting at Brothers III Lounge. (ranchodelalunastudio/instagram)
By Tuesday, this assessment had been upgraded from colorful hyperbole to evidence.
According to the New Orleans Police Department, LaBeouf was ejected from a Royal Street business early Tuesday morning after causing a disturbance. Once removed, he allegedly struck one victim “several times” with closed fists. Multiple bystanders attempted to restrain him and released him so he could leave. He did not leave. He returned “even more aggressive,” struck the same victim again, then punched a second person in the nose. He was held down by the crowd, which he presumably also tried to fight, until police arrived. He was then taken to a hospital for treatment of “unknown injuries,” and arrested upon release.
He has been charged with two counts of simple battery, no slapping.
Representatives for LaBeouf have not responded to requests for comment. The city of New Orleans has not issued guidance on whether “being punched by Shia LaBeouf” qualifies as a Mardi Gras throw, though witnesses say they would have preferred beads.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
