Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
BALTIMORE — Researchers at Johns Hopkins Medicine announced this week that hydrogen sulfide, the compound responsible for the smell of rotten eggs and silent-but-deadly emissions, may help protect aging brain cells from Alzheimer’s disease. The finding marks a rare victory for the scientific community and an even rarer one for anyone who’s ever cleared a room and muttered “you’re welcome” on the way out.
No need to be embarrassed anymore, you're just preventing Alzheimer's. (Chai2523/depositphotos)
The study, published in the Proceedings of the National Academies of Science, found that small doses of the otherwise toxic gas can facilitate cellular communication in the brain through a process called “chemical sulfhydration.” Researchers spent considerable time explaining this mechanism. Journalists spent considerably less time writing it down correctly.
“Our new data firmly link aging, neurodegeneration, and cell signaling using hydrogen sulfide,” explained Dr. Bindu Paul, the study’s lead scientist. Paul noted that the human body naturally produces the gas to regulate internal functions, a biological fact that has now given every middle-aged man in America permission to use the excuse “I’m literally preserving my brain” at a dinner party. Early reports suggest this permission is already being abused.
To test the theory, scientists genetically modified mice to mimic human Alzheimer’s and injected them with a hydrogen sulfide-carrying compound called NaGYY. The mice were then tested for changes in memory and motor function over twelve weeks, during which the lab’s ventilation system filed for workers’ compensation.
Behavior tests showed that mice receiving hydrogen sulfide improved cognitive and motor function by 50 percent compared to untreated mice. The treated mice remembered platform locations better, moved more actively, and were described by researchers as “noticeably cockier” than their counterparts, though that last observation did not make it into the final paper because god help us all if that happens with humans, too.
Co-author Dr. Solomon Snyder explained that sulfhydration levels in the brain decrease with age, a trend more pronounced in patients with Alzheimer’s disease. In the absence of hydrogen sulfide, an enzyme called GSK3β becomes “overattracted” to a protein called Tau, causing clumps to form inside nerve cells. As those clumps grow, communication between nerves breaks down and eventually dies. Researchers say blocking this interaction is key. Uncles everywhere say this is the best news they’ve heard since hot dogs became a protein.
(svedoliver/depositphotos)
“Understanding the cascade of events is important to designing therapies that can block this interaction,” said Ph.D student Daniel Giovinazzo, who added that until recently, researchers lacked the tools to mimic how the body produces small quantities of hydrogen sulfide. They now have such tools. The lab reportedly celebrated this breakthrough in silence, with the windows open.
Johns Hopkins officials confirmed that the research is ongoing and that no determination has been made about whether crop-dusting a crowded elevator counts as community health outreach. Human trials are anticipated, though convincing people that smelling farts prevents Alzheimer’s and that science isn’t playing an elaborate practical joke on them may be the biggest hurdle to overcome.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
