Spanish Town Suspends Black Cat Adoptions to Prevent ‘Halloween Rituals’

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

TERRASSA, Spain – In a precautionary move described by local officials as “seasonally appropriate,” the city of Terrassa has banned all black cat adoptions until November 10, citing fears the animals might be used for “rituals.”

The restriction, in place since October 1, was issued by the municipal animal welfare department “following prudence criteria applied by various protection entities,” a phrase that roughly translates to “don’t ask, just trust us.”

Councilor Noel Duque, the city’s self-described “cat czar,” said the decision followed a disturbing seasonal trend. “Every year we see a spike in adoption requests for black cats around Halloween,” Duque said. “People want them for photo ops, costume parties, or… ritual purposes. They think they want a witch’s familiar, but most return them after realizing witch’s familiars still require regular feeding and litter box maintenance.”

Duque later added that the measure was “purely preventative” and “in no way related to the recent incident with the chanting.” She refused to elaborate further.  

Local activist Marta Vendrell called the ban “an important step in preventing cruelty,” though she admitted the policy had introduced new logistical challenges. “We’ve had to store dozens of black cats until November,” she said. “They’re safe here. Except for the one that keeps opening cages with telekinesis. I’ve said too much already.”

Shelter workers describe the holding room as “mostly calm,” though several reported a “low, synchronized purring” that has begun vibrating the floor tiles. One volunteer compared it to “peaceful Gregorian chanting,” another to “the engine of something that’s learning.” The cats were unavailable for comment and looked as if they were considering murder. As usual.  

City officials clarified that adoptions may still proceed under “exceptional, well-justified circumstances.” Applicants must undergo background checks, psychological screening, and a brief exorcism “to confirm absence of demonic interest.” Authorities later clarified that the phrase “absence of demonic interest” referred to the applicants, not the cats – then walked it back, then ran away at a full sprint without further comment.

The technical team responsible for evaluating prospective owners uses a rigorous assessment: applicants must recite the Hail Mary backward while resisting the urge to purchase a cauldron online. One candidate reportedly failed after whispering “soon” to the evaluation cat, which multiple witnesses say nodded in acknowledgment.

Officials report a 40% decline in “satanic imagery,” though admit most of that was due to improved lighting filters. “We’ve defeated evil,” said the mayor. “Or at least delayed it until November.”

The regional animal welfare board has not ruled out expanding next year’s restrictions to include “suspiciously goth rabbits with sharp, pointy teeth.” The draft ordinance already defines “ominous mammals” as “any creature that stares too long into the middle distance.”

When asked whether there was concrete evidence of Halloween rituals involving cats, Duque paused for nearly a full minute before responding. “Let’s just say we’re erring on the side of caution,” he said. “And by caution, I mean free publicity right before local elections.”

At press time, the animal shelter’s security cameras briefly went dark. When they came back on, all 37 black cats were sitting in perfect formation, staring directly at the door to the mayor’s office. Minutes later, the mayor attempted to adopt all of them. Coincidence? Perhaps.

Municipal staff called it “probably nothing,” then scheduled an emergency meeting of the Catalan Commission for Symbolic Mammalian Risk Management.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.