Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
DAVOS, Switzerland — The year 2025 saw global billionaire wealth grow by $2.8 trillion, a figure so large that it had to be written with a special font. The increase, three times faster than previous years, arrives just in time for the World Economic Forum, an annual gathering where the ultra-wealthy fly in on private jets to discuss inequality in a building with unusually good catering.
Should have turned RIGHT at Albuquerque. (Freigeist67/depositphotos)
Billionaires are now 4,000 times more likely to hold political office than ordinary citizens, a ratio Oxfam characterized as “dangerous political inequality” and one investment bank characterized as “a buy signal.” For context, ordinary people are 4,000 times more likely to need a functioning government, assuming such a thing is even possible. Researchers caution that the increase may reflect improved data collection rather than accelerating oligarchy. “We’re just better at counting now,” said one analyst, who asked not to be named because his employer owns the newspaper.
“We’re really not talking about money for luxury goods,” said Chiara Putaturo of Oxfam. “We’re talking about money that purchases political systems.” She clarified that this includes elections, judicial appointments, and regulatory frameworks. “Also, some luxury goods,” she added. “But those are basically a rounding error at this point.”
The concentration of wealth has increasingly translated into control over information. Billionaires now own more than half of the world’s largest media companies and every major social media platform, a development described by sources as “concerning” and by the platforms themselves as “not newsworthy.”
Recent acquisitions include Jeff Bezos purchasing of the Washington Post, Elon Musk’s acquisition of Twitter, and Patrick Soon-Shiong’s buying of the Los Angeles Times. A consortium of billionaires also secured stakes in The Economist, reportedly after its coverage became “too accurate.”
Vincent Bolloré, the French billionaire, has converted CNews into what critics call Fox News but with better cheese. In the United Kingdom, three-quarters of newspaper circulation is controlled by four wealthy families, who could not be reached for comment because they were busy deciding what goes into the news cycle.
The report found that only 27 percent of top editors are women and 23 percent belong to racial minorities. Executives described the imbalance as a “complex, multifactorial issue,” then returned to a meeting with eleven men named David. Marginalized groups, the report added, are increasingly stigmatized in coverage, a trend that may or may not be related to who ultimately decides what needs covering.
Some David-on-David action. (ufabizphoto/depositphotos)
Meanwhile, the number of billionaires worldwide reached a record 3,000, a milestone industry observers celebrated with a brief moment of silence followed by an even briefer capital gains event. The European Union now counts 513 billionaires, an increase of 73 from last year, which positions the bloc favorably against North American billionaire yields. Billionaire production is expected to remain strong through Q2.
Total EU billionaire wealth reached €2.4 trillion by November, exceeding Italy’s entire GDP and approaching France’s economy. Economists note this comparison is academic, as neither Italy nor France can veto their own tax legislation.
Oxfam pointed out that less than 3.5 percent of EU billionaires’ combined wealth, roughly €84 billion, would be sufficient to eradicate extreme poverty globally. Billionaire representatives responded that this figure failed to account for their strong preference for not doing that.
Countries with high levels of inequality are seven times more likely to experience democratic backsliding, including erosion of the rule of law and undermining of elections. One billionaire’s spokesperson described the correlation as “statistically interesting but not actionable.” He was promoted to senior management by the end of the day.
The issue was raised at the last G20 summit, where an expert group proposed forming an international panel to tackle inequality. The panel’s first meeting has been postponed indefinitely because the solution they keep landing on is “tax global billionaire wealth at 3.5% annually” and apparently that’s a non-starter for billionaires.
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