Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
SANTA CLARA, Calif. — The New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks have elected to hold their Super Bowl LX practice sessions at Stanford University and San Jose State, respectively, in what sources describe as a completely routine logistical decision that has absolutely nothing to do with electromagnetic death fields or the suspected presence of a Hellmouth beneath Levi’s Stadium.
The Patriots and Seahawks wanting to avoid Hellmouth. (YouTube)
Neither franchise has publicly acknowledged the so-called “substation theory,” a viral hypothesis suggesting that the electrical substation adjacent to the 49ers’ training complex emits electromagnetic radiation that systematically liquefies the connective tissue of professional athletes. Medical experts have dismissed the theory as “nonsense,” though they notably also declined to address the well-documented presence of high school vampires in the Santa Clara metropolitan area between 1997 and 2003.
“Because it deals with allegedly the health and safety of our players, I think you have to look into everything,” 49ers General Manager John Lynch said at a press conference. Lynch did not elaborate on whether “everything” included consulting with the Watchers’ Council or reviewing the stadium’s original architectural plans, which according to municipal records were signed off by a contractor listed only as “R. Wilkins III” who has not been seen since a solar eclipse in 1999.
Podcast host Joe Rogan weighed in on the controversy last week, telling listeners, “I was just reading this fing crazy thing about the 49ers. Isn’t it f-ing nuts? They think it’s real.” Rogan’s assessment that the substation theory is too unhinged even for his platform has been interpreted by some observers as the clearest evidence yet that something far darker lurks beneath the fifty-yard line. Like a Hellmouth.
UC Davis radiology professor Jerrold Bushberg has stated there is “no firmly established evidence” that low-frequency electromagnetic fields damage human tissue. When reached for comment on whether non-ionizing radiation could theoretically weaken the dimensional barriers separating this plane from a hell dimension, Bushberg immediately hung up.
The 49ers have trained adjacent to the substation since 1988. Since relocating to their current facility and Levi’s Stadium in 2014, the franchise has led the league in adjusted games lost to injury in multiple seasons, with this year’s casualties including Nick Bosa, Fred Warner, and George Kittle.
An artist's interpretation of Super Bowl LX. (CC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain)
Former 49ers guard Jon Feliciano confirmed that players had been joking about the substation “for years,” though he stopped short of confirming whether the jokes also included references to spontaneous hellfire, unexplained Latin chanting in the equipment room, or the groundskeeper who answers only to “The Master.”
When Super Bowl 50 was held at Levi’s Stadium in 2016, the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers made identical arrangements, with Denver training at Stanford and Carolina at San Jose State. A league spokesman called this “standard practice for major events,” though records show both teams’ injury rates dropped 34% during the two-week period they spent more than three miles from the facility.
Defensive coordinator Steve Wilks was asked if the team had considered relocating practices. “We’ve been here for years,” he said, staring at a point approximately six inches behind the reporter’s head. “It’s fine. Everything is fine. The screaming stops eventually.”
The Super Bowl is scheduled for February 8th. The 49ers, who are not playing in it, have announced they will spend the week “examining processes” and “definitely not performing any kind of protection ritual.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
