Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
TÄBY, Sweden — The Church of Sweden has issued a formal warning about a Belarusian convent whose sisters spent the past year selling handmade religious trinkets in Swedish parishes, with proceeds reportedly funding Russia’s military operations in Ukraine. The warning marks the first time in Swedish ecclesiastical history that the phrase “spy nuns” has appeared in an official church memorandum.
Tchotchkes for Putinchkes. (Facebook)
The sisters of St. Elisabeth Convent have been dubbed “Z-Nuns” after being photographed in occupied Ukrainian territory wearing military fatigues alongside Russian soldiers. The images were readily available online, a fact that apparently escaped the twenty Swedish parishes that invited them to set up merchandise tables. Church officials say the nuns specialized in selling small devotional items to parishioners, who presumably believed their kronor would support prayer-powered candles rather than coal-powered cruise missiles.
Rector Michael Öjermo of Täby parish admitted he was unaware of the convent’s ties to Russian military intelligence before extending an invitation. “I knew they were from Belarus,” he said, adding that he had worked with Christians in dictatorships before and they’d never turned out to be spies.
“I’m old enough to remember when ministers came from East Germany. If three came, two would be for real, and one would be a spy for the Stasi,” he said, describing what he apparently considers an acceptable spy-to-nun ratio for parish hospitality.
Öjermo clarified that this ratio had historically seemed acceptable to him. “What I understood this time, that I didn’t understand before, is that they can be used as propaganda,” he said, discovering in 2024 what most people learned from John le Carré novels in 1974.
The Church of Sweden’s crisis planning unit, a department whose existence suggests either someone saw this coming or there have been problems before, has issued guidance advising parishes against supporting the convent’s activities “in any way.” The statement noted that the St. Elisabeth sisters use their income to support Russian nationalism and maintain “close ties with GRU,” which this writer was surprised to learn is Russia’s military intelligence agency and not the main villain from Despicable Me.
Just your average Z-nun/soldier photo on a trip to Ukraine. (Telegram)
The St. Elisabeth nuns had previously been photographed in occupied Ukraine, where they reportedly worked to “boost morale” among Russian troops. Church historians note that morale-boosting has traditionally been considered more of a USO function than a monastic calling, though the distinction may be academic in regions where the separation of church and state has been replaced by the separation of church and the Geneva Conventions.
No criminal investigation has been opened. Swedish legal experts consulted on the matter confirmed that the country’s statutes do not specifically prohibit the sale of devotional merchandise for the purpose of funding foreign wars, an omission that, until recently, had not seemed like an oversight.
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