Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
MOUNT GAMBIER, Australia — In what may be South Australia’s first prosecution for unsanctioned sculptural animation, a 19-year-old woman appeared via telephone Tuesday before Mount Gambier Magistrates Court to answer charges that she improved public art without a permit.
Googly eyes make EVERYTHING better; it is written in the laws of every land. #oddnewsfact (Amelia Vanderhorst/Facebook)
Amelia Vanderhorst stands accused of affixing adhesive googly eyeballs to “Cast in Blue,” an $89,000 sculpture representing a prehistoric marsupial anteater that locals have diplomatically nicknamed the “Blue Blob.” The statue is supposed to depict an ancient marsupial anteater that roamed the region thousands of years ago, back when nobody had to pay six figures to look at one.
Council records show that CCTV cameras captured the entire incident, though officials have declined to release the footage publicly, citing “ongoing legal proceedings” and “the fact that it’s actually pretty funny.” The video allegedly shows someone approaching the sculpture with what security analysts have identified as “adhesive accessories” and “clear premeditation regarding comedic enhancement of a weird blob statue.”
Mayor Lynette Martin issued a strongly worded statement denouncing what she called “wilful damage to a valued public artwork,” employing the word “valued” with the confidence of someone who has not recently reviewed the public comment period from 2023. The sculpture, which was designed to evoke an ancient creature described as “massive, lumbering and fascinating,” apparently achieved all three qualities at once when equipped with plastic googly eyes the size of dinner plates.
“This is not harmless fun,” the Mayor announced, speaking with the gravity of someone who has spent all morning on the phone with art restoration specialists who couldn’t stop laughing hysterically. “It is costly and it is also frustrating to those members of our community who have embraced Cast in Blue.” The mayor declined to specify which members of the community had embraced the sculpture, though records show the original public consultation included multiple instances of the phrases “what the hell is that supposed to be?” and “it cost how much?” in roughly equal measure.
City officials say the googly eyes cannot be removed without damaging the sculpture’s surface. Restoration specialists brought in to assess the damage have provided the council with two options: attempt a delicate, expensive removal process that may or may not work, or “just kind of go with it and see if anyone notices.”
The council has vowed to pursue “significant” repair costs from those responsible. Early estimates suggest the restoration work may cost nearly as much as a semester of Ms. Vanderhorst’s university tuition, a figure that has prompted some observers to note that Ms. Vanderhorst may have inadvertently stumbled into the most expensive craft project of her academic career. The restoration work is expected to cost substantially less than creating a second sculpture, though one councillor did quietly suggest that having two Blue Blobs might at least give the first one someone to look at now that it can see.
Cast in Blue was inspired by fossil evidence of Thylacinus Potens, an ancient marsupial that roamed the region thousands of years ago and definitely, according to giggling paleontologists, did not have large plastic googly eyes. The sculpture’s designers drew from cave discoveries of the massive carnivore, which they described as both “lumbering” and “fascinating,” but “not blue per se”.
What the Blue Blob looked like before it was given the gift of googly sight. (visitmountgambier.com)
When the sculpture was first proposed at a cost of $89,000 community feedback ranged from “enthusiastic support” to “Are you serious right now?” Several residents questioned whether the money might be better spent on infrastructure, a debate that has resurfaced now that additional funds will be required to de-eye a giant fiberglass marsupial.
Ms. Vanderhorst did not enter a plea on Tuesday. Legal experts say the case may hinge on whether the modification constituted damage or improvement. One local art professor noted, “Honestly, this is the first time I’ve felt anything when looking at it.”
Legal scholars say the case presents interesting questions about the definition of damage, particularly given that the sculpture’s social media engagement has increased 400% since the modification.
A December hearing date has been scheduled. Until then, the Blue Blob will continue making eye contact with pedestrians, a feature that some observers claim has finally given the sculpture the predatory intensity its designers spent $89,000 trying to achieve. The sculpture’s newfound ability to watch residents walk by has been described as “unsettling,” “an improvement,” and “honestly what it needed all along,” depending on who you ask and whether they’re speaking on the record.
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