Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Tennessee congressman Tim Burchett, noted for his ability to confuse both science and indoor plumbing with magic, announced that aliens are living in five or six secret underwater UFO bases just off America’s coast.
This revelation came during a sidewalk interview, which is exactly where you expect world-shattering extraterrestrial news to be delivered.
If you've got an alien question to ask, this is your man. Not sure which man, but… (knoxcounty/Flickr)
Burchett concluded by reminding us we know less about the ocean than we do about the moon, which is true, but mostly because the Tennessee congressman is secretly terrified that launching satellites disturbs God.
The US Navy reportedly has footage of crafts moving hundreds of miles per hour underwater, though the only thing their own submarines have achieved at that speed is sucking taxpayer dollars through a straw the size of a blue whale.
Sailors say they’ve chased glowing orbs, darting discs, and one suspiciously well-lit Red Lobster delivery van. Meanwhile, Burchett pointed out that our fastest undersea craft tops out at forty miles an hour, which is probably because he still thinks the “Evinrude 50 HP” is classified technology.
Alien whistleblowers confirm the bases exist and that they look like Dubai but underwater, complete with domes, pyramids, and at least one functioning Starbucks. Burchett, by contrast, thinks “interstellar” is the one with Matthew McConaughey yelling at corn.
Finally, researchers claim the top-secret Navy base AUTEC is our “Area 51 of the sea,” located near the Bahamas. This is either a world-changing revelation or an elaborate scheme to justify why so many congressional fact-finding missions involve golf trips to Nassau. As for Burchett, he’s just excited to have discovered an enemy scarier than literacy.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
