Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Tennessee Governor Bill Lee signed a resolution on April 9 designating June as “Nuclear Family Month.” June is also Pride Month, a coincidence the governor declined to comment on. The resolution defines the nuclear family as “one husband, one wife, and any biological, adopted, or fostered children” and describes this arrangement as “God’s design for familial structure” and, separately, “God’s perfect design for humanity.”
Tennessee Welcomes (Some of) You. (benkrut/patrice67/depositphotos)
The resolution also includes statistics warning about the dangers of “fatherless homes” and condemns “the humanistic, globalist ideologies of the World Health Organization, the United Nations, and like-minded organizations that fight for population control.” It is unclear at what point during the drafting process someone decided that a resolution about families needed to take a position on the United Nations, but it happened. Also, “globalist” is a dogwhistle replacement for “jews” if you’re a Q-Anon fan or just super into the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, and the odds that the author of the resolution wasn’t aware of this fact are zero.
A companion bill, the “No Pride Flag or Month Act,” died 3-3 in a Senate committee in March. Its sponsor, Representative Gino Bulso of Brentwood, has introduced some version of the legislation three times now. Bulso is also the same lawmaker who argued on the House floor in 2024 against a bill banning first-cousin marriage, disclosing that his own grandparents were first cousins who moved from Ohio to Tennessee in 1924 specifically because the state would let them wed. The ban passed 75-2. Bulso was one of the two.
Lee, who signed the resolution invoking God’s design for the American family, was photographed in a 1980 Auburn University yearbook wearing a Confederate uniform at a Kappa Alpha fraternity “Old South” party. He has since said he “came to regret” participating, which is not actually an apology or an explanation. The resolution will take effect in June, alongside Pride Month, which it will not replace, diminish, or affect in any measurable way. But not for lack of trying.
Tennessee ranks last among all 50 states in quality of life, according to a 2025 CNBC study. It ranks last in maternal mortality. It ranks near the bottom in infant mortality, childhood poverty, and adults who skip medical care because they can’t afford it. Sixty-one percent of its remaining rural hospitals are at risk of closure, the highest rate in the country. When it comes to families, Tennessee remains, by most measurable standards, the worst state in America to start one.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
