Disclaimer: While this article is based on sharply angled facts, it also contains cyber-satire, which is like regular satire, just from the ’80s.
Look at this killing machine. (Bennett1203/Creative Commons)
There are plenty of ways to lose fingers. We suggest a meat cleaver, perhaps a cigar cutter, or maybe because it’s still fresh in our mind, the old standby of blowing a few off on the 4th of July. However, if you’d rather lose some digits to a status symbol and have at least $61k lying around, there’s an even trendier way to grievously injure yourself – the Tesla Cybertruck.
Despite looking like it came from a Playstation 1 game and having all of the nearly 12,000 Cybertrucks sold so far recalled last month, people are still lining up to buy what looks like a very impractical pickup truck. And we’d thought that the only way you could get hurt by one would be by pulling a muscle from pointing and laughing at it, or perhaps getting hit by the driver you were pointing and laughing at. But no! A few months ago, one owner found out that the self-closing “frunk” (yep, the front trunk, another reason to laugh) would straight up break your finger if you let it close on it. Smartly, he tried it first with a stick, which the frunk broke. Very unsmartly, he looked at the data, then tried it with his own finger. In breaking news, the Cybertruck broke it.
This then became a mini-trend because after that happened, there were copycats, which isn’t to say that Cybertruck owners might be a few fries short of a happy meal, but we’re also not not saying it. At any rate, more recently, another injury was brought to light via a Cybertruck owners group forum. It turns out that the front door release button (because handles are too normal) is on a column that, if the rear door is closed at the same time and your finger is there, you can easily get it trapped in the seam between the two doors. That happened to an owner’s father-in-law, per The Drive. He required a trip to the emergency room, seven stitches, and a splint, and he hasn’t logged onto X or taken a flight into space since.
“Look, they deserve it,” a Cybertruck commented. “I have to drive around looking like someone thought the car of the future would look like in the ‘80s. These guys are breaking their fingers for the ‘gram or the Tok or whatever you kids call it these days. Why do something for clicks when you can’t even click it because your finger’s in a splint? And I have a frunk, dammit – A FRUNK! It’s no wonder I want to go to town on these jerks. Also, that guy totally told me to maim his father-in-law. I mean, who likes in-laws? It really makes you question humanity. Now I know why some of us just go out on a nice long self-drive and then suddenly stop for no reason.”
