Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Starting today, the Thai city of Pattaya is about to get extremely busy as 5,000 sailors and Marines from the US Navy descend upon it. Not only is that a high number, but it will be the first time on land for many of them in over half a year. That means there’s going to be a lot of eating, drinking, and sleeping going on.
Caution: this vessel may contain 5,000 horny sailors. (Photographer's Mate 3rd Class Jordon R. Beesley/Creative Commons)
This makes sense, as this will be the first real break that many have had in 200 days, since the USS Abraham Lincoln last saw land after taking off from San Diego in November of 2025. 200 days ago, coincidentally, was Valentine’s Day, which ties into (Thais into?) another thing that many of the sailors will be looking for.
Yes, we’re talking about love. Not the kind of love that lasts forever. More like the temporary kind of love that lasts for an hour or so, and is purely transactional. Okay, actually we’re talking about sex, something most soldiers at sea haven’t had in quite a while, and if Thai officials have their way, they won’t be having it in Pattaya either, as the police are stepping up their ho patrols in the city.
Ahead of the 5,000 sex-starved sailors and soldiers’ visit from September 2-6, police, immigration officers and social workers did a sweep of the beachfront and nightlife area this past weekend, detaining 40 to 50 people in prostitution-related activities. While that probably barely puts a dent in the prostitute population of Pattaya, they’re not done yet, as plans were also announced to use cameras and drones to detain even more throughout their stay.
Thankfully for all involved, those being let off the Lincoln and two other vessels will be staggered, so there won’t be 5,000 service members looking to get their members serviced at the same time. Also, it should be assumed that many might just be looking to get hammered and have their first decent meal in ages, according to what they’ve apparently been served at sea. Regardless, Pattaya police chief Anek Srathongyoo admitted that catching illegal solicitation is “difficult” because much of it occurs in public, often without officers noticing right away.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
