Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
They've got their sights set on this one. (Mr.choppers/Creative Commons)
It’s been a while since we’ve heard much about the Tesla Cybertruck. Initially unveiled as the pickup truck of the future, when the electric vehicles first went on sale in 2023, they were viewed as status symbols. A lot’s changed since then, with tons of recalls, a backlash around Tesla CEO Elon Musk’s short-lived government job, and the realization that they look more like can openers than future cars, all contributing to the overall decline in sales for the vehicles. In fact, they apparently only sold 7,100 of them in Q1 of this year. However, Tesla can rest easy, as they’ve got at least two sales coming to them, courtesy of the U.S. Air Force.
Why would the Air Force want two punchlines? Are they desperate to stand out now that ICE and the Space Force are getting more attention? Are they newly divorced, going through a midlife crisis, and trying to show off, but haven’t read anything about how screamingly uncool the trucks are? Are they going to develop them into weapons because they can maim or kill? Nope, the actual reason is that just like some civilians that may be in jail now, the Air Force has a desire to shoot them.
When your getaway car can't get away because it's been recalled… again. (kidfly 182/creative commons)
The upcoming purchase of the two Cybertrucks was part of a larger 33-vehicle buy shown in a federal contracting document. The 31 cars, trucks, and two aluminum laughingstocks will be sent to White Sands Missile Range in New Mexico to support U.S. Special Operations Command.
The thinking behind this is that adversaries might be using the vehicles in the future, so they want to devise guided munitions to potentially destroy our enemies. And since the trucks were designed, as the report puts it, “not to receive the normal extent of damage expected upon major impact,” that’s why they’ve targeted the Teslas.
The Air Force might want to look at the 2019 unveiling of the Cybertruck and walk back that last statement. If you’ll remember, a steel ball thrown at the truck on Musk’s request broke two windows pretty easily. We’d imagine a missile would, at the least, do the same. And while Tesla’s CEO has been infamously involved with the government in the past, he’s since decided to step back and focus on his business ventures. Maybe he can kill two Teslas with one stone, step back in, and invent the self-shooting car.
It’s also worth begging the question: what kind of foreign adversaries would be cruising around in a Cybertruck? You can’t even buy them outside of North America. It does stand to reason that a cartoon villain would drive a cartoon vehicle, so maybe the USAF has a point.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
