Satirical opinion by Drew Curtis, Odd News
The Motley Fool’s 2026 list of best retirement destinations includes Saint Paul, Minnesota, which the publication describes as “historic, friendly, and welcoming to everyone.” Apparently, The Motley Fool wrote this recommendation before roughly 2,000 federal immigration agents arrived to conduct what officials call the largest enforcement operation in American history, and what locals call “fascists terrorizing brown people because racial cruelty is the point.” Prospective retirees are encouraged to read the fine print. There is a lot of fine print.
The peaceful retirement vibes of St. Paul. (Chad Davis CC BY 4.0)
Saint Paul offers retirees a shocking array of cultural amenities: the Grammy-winning Saint Paul Chamber Orchestra, twenty-six miles of Mississippi River shoreline, and the thrilling unpredictability of watching armed personnel in unmarked vehicles idle outside every Somali restaurant in town. The Little Mekong Night Market and Irish Fair of Minnesota draw tens of thousands annually, or did, before attendance became a matter of personal risk calculus. Healthcare in Minnesota consistently ranks among the nation’s best, which is fortunate given that stress-related conditions have increased eighteen thousand percent metro-wide since December.
Weather is a consideration. The average annual snowfall is fifty-two inches, which the tourism board markets as ideal for cross-country skiing, snowmobiling, or simply remaining indoors while protesters and federal agents hurl rocks and tear gas at each other on Nicollet Avenue. Spring, summer, and fall offer more temperate alternatives, assuming large-scale constitutional crises follow seasonal patterns. Historically, they have not. Political instability operates on its own calendar.
The economic case for Saint Paul remains compelling in theory. Housing costs run 20.2 percent below the national average. Real estate, one imagines, is about to get even cheaper. This is either a crisis or a buying opportunity, depending on your comfort level with what economists call “systemic disruption.” Immigrant-owned businesses along Lake Street lost an estimated $46 million in just two months, and eighty percent of storefronts in key cultural corridors went dark. Groceries cost 4.8 percent above average, but multiple mutual aid networks have emerged to connect shoppers with neighbors who are terrified to leave their homes, so the market is clearly adapting.
Retirement in Saint Paul means access to world-class museums, live theater, annual festivals celebrating the city’s diverse heritage, and, at present, a front-row seat to what scholars are calling the largest immigration enforcement action in American history. Recent additions to the events calendar include solidarity concerts, rental assistance programs for displaced workers, and an ordinance prohibiting federal agents from staging on city property.
Como Park Zoo is still free and open to the public, though parking near federal staging areas is currently discouraged for both non-whites and any individuals who understandably cannot refrain from yelling f*** before the word “ICE” in front of federal agents. Things currently also happening in Saint Paul: daily protests, federal raids, university students chaining themselves to administrative buildings, and a TIME Magazine cover story titled “The Siege of an American City.”
Maybe misty mornings will be more romantic in years to come. (Time/x)
The city was recently nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for what the nomination called “courageous solidarity to promote democracy, human rights, and peace,” though critics note the Nobel Committee has never before had to consider nominations from entire cities actively under federal occupation by their own country. Still, it looks great in the brochures.
Officials acknowledge that now may not be the optimal moment to relocate. Mayor Kaohly Her recently signed an ordinance prohibiting federal agents from staging operations on city property, which represents exactly the sort of plucky local governance that makes Saint Paul such a charming place to retire, assuming the injunction holds. Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey told TIME Magazine the situation has a very straightforward antidote, and that is to “get the f*** out of our city.” He was probably referring to ICE rather than everyone who currently lives there, though at this point, either interpretation works.
Minnesotans are, by reputation, aggressively friendly. They bring casseroles to newcomers. They hold doors. They describe minus-twenty-degree wind chills as “a bit nippy.” This same disposition now manifests as mutual aid networks, solidarity shopping trips, and a kind of stoic community resilience that would be heartwarming if the circumstances were not so grim.
This is St Paul without ICE. Or ice. (France1978/Flickr)
For those willing to wait until the next presidential administration, Saint Paul offers everything a retiree could want: affordability, culture, recreation, and the kind of profound communal trauma that bonds neighbors together in ways that 99% of church potlucks cannot.
When ICE agents finally leave, and they will leave, what remains won’t just be a city that survived occupation. It will be a city that fought one and won. A city that discovered under pressure it was willing to go the extra mile for its neighbors. That’s not a selling point you find in most retirement guides. It should be. That’s a city worth retiring to. Bring a casserole.
