Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Talk about truth in advertising! (Cedarpoint.com)
If you like waiting in long lines without applying for a driver’s license, then an amusement park is for you! Summer is in full swing, and there’s no better place to hang out for a while in a line while parking, and again while entering the park, and once more while waiting for food that you may forcefully expel against your will later. After all the hanging around comes the thrill of the rides themselves – many of which also require additional time standing around. Some lucky thrill seekers riding the latest coaster at Cedar Point got to do the ultimate – wait on the coaster while vertically suspended for 10 minutes after it malfunctioned.
The coaster in question is called Siren’s Curse, which makes sense since the riders likely cursed this Sandusky, Ohio, amusement park where it all went down, or kind of didn’t. Every new coaster needs a gimmick, like “most loops,” or “fastest wood coaster,” or “definitely operated by high teenagers that don’t follow safety procedures.” Siren’s Curse is no different, so there was already a two-hour line for it on June 28th, its first day open to the public. The gimmick in question is that at the top of the coaster, the track breaks off and tilts down at a 45-degree angle, which is pretty cool – but only if it connects with the other part of the track, which it decided not to.
While being suspended vertically for ten minutes 160 feet above ground may seem terrifying to most, a video posted on Tik Tok showed many of the riders surprisingly chill about the whole debacle. “It’s not a good ride unless there’s a delay,” one rider commented. “After going on the Ferris Wheel It Work Or Not, the Merry Stop Round and the Tilt-A-Wait, the ultimate goal is to be one of the first people delayed on the Siren’s Curse. This is the best day of my life!”
The riders didn’t have to evacuate the ride, as operators eventually reset it to the point where it worked again. 25 minutes later, the ride was open once more. We’d imagine that everyone else who rode the coaster afterwards complained about not being suspended for ten minutes. And to answer those people, we hear that Cedar Point may offer a “Slow Lane Pass,” which will cost more than their Fast Lane Pass. Riders will be shuttled to the back of the line, where they’ll have to wait even longer, and every ride they go on will malfunction.
This article is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
