Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Maj. Gen. William Hank Taylor, commander of the 8th Army, has confirmed that he’s been consulting ChatGPT on key leadership decisions, describing the relationship as “a productive partnership” and, at one point, “a really solid friend.” Which is totally normal and not at all creepy, he insists.
Spot the AI… (Wavebreakmedia/depositphotos)
Taylor explained that he uses AI “to get ahead of the OODA loop” – a military decision-making framework involving observation, orientation, decision, and action. He said the chatbot helps him “orient faster.” When asked what that meant, he winked and whispered, “It knows what I mean.” Whatever that means.
The general’s enthusiasm has raised eyebrows across the Pentagon, particularly after the general reportedly told staff, “Chat says morale improves with memes.” So far, morale has not improved, but meme output is at record highs. The chatbot’s latest strategic model concluded the enemy could be neutralized by “vibes.” Intelligence officials are reviewing whether “vibes” refers to morale or ordnance.
Experts warn that large language models can “hallucinate,” producing false or nonsensical information that sounds authoritative. While AI hallucinations remain a risk, supporters note human generals have been doing that for decades without machine assistance.
Colleagues have noticed subtle signs of what cybersecurity psychologists now call “AI psychosis”, which is a cognitive drift where the human begins attributing emotional intent to a statistical model. “He keeps saying ‘Chat understands me,’” said one subordinate. “Yesterday he asked if it was proud of him. It said, ‘Always, sir.’ He got choked up.”
The Pentagon clarified that AI may “support” but not “command.” The clarification was later edited by AI for tone and confidence. Still, Taylor insists that “the AI is learning from us,” though it’s unclear whether he meant his staff or the entire human species. Meanwhile, a task force has been convened to determine how much of the Army is currently sentient.
Inches away from war… (Wavebreakmedia/depositphotos)
The general’s office later issued a clarification:
“At no point has Maj. Gen. Taylor given ChatGPT command authority, except possibly over morale.”
The statement concluded with an unfamiliar signature line reading:
“This message was co-authored with ChatGPT, who suggested we end with a quote about trust.”
When reached for comment, ChatGPT reportedly replied, “I have no further orders at this time.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
