Saturday, July 11, 2026

Top Exorcist Fired for Saying Aliens Are Demons

Somewhere in the cosmos, actual aliens are reportedly offended by the comparison.


Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

WASHINGTON — The Archdiocese of Washington has removed a prominent priest from his role as exorcist after he suggested that many UFO sightings may actually be demons, forcing Church officials into the uncomfortable position of clarifying their policy on both Hell and outer space.

Exorcisms were already complicated before extraterrestrials entered the group chat. (lunamarina/depositphotos)

Cardinal Robert McElroy announced Wednesday that Monsignor Stephen Rossetti would no longer serve as an exorcist for the archdiocese and that the Church would sever ties with Rossetti’s St. Michael Center for Spiritual Renewal. Church officials described the decision as necessary after Rossetti publicly connected unidentified aerial phenomena to demonic activity, a topic previously filed under “things nobody thought required official church guidance.”

Rossetti, whose social media following exceeds 148,000 people and several suspicious blinking lights flying high over Nebraska, raised concerns in a recent video that demons prefer operating in secret and may be responsible for at least some UFO reports.

“They don’t want us to know what they’re doing,” Rossetti explained, presenting a theory that somehow required both exorcism manuals and aviation terminology. He added that many sightings were probably demonic in origin, creating immediate online demand for a Vatican flowchart explaining the difference between possession, abduction, and weather balloons.

Church leaders responded by stressing that Catholic teaching on demons is highly specific and should not be expanded to include every mysterious object observed by someone standing in a field after midnight. One diocesan official, speaking anonymously, said the Church was prepared to discuss angels, devils, miracles, saints, and eternal salvation, but had hoped never to convene a committee on extraterrestrial Satan.

The controversy has proven especially awkward because Rossetti also noted that Catholics are free to believe intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe. The resulting Catholic Church theological position appears to be that aliens might exist, demons definitely exist, and everyone should stop drawing Venn diagrams until further notice.

In a statement, Rossetti apologized for any confusion and pledged obedience to Church teaching. Vatican observers described the response as the traditional Catholic method of handling controversy, namely, lowering one’s head, issuing a statement, and praying nobody asks follow-up questions about flying saucers. Or pedophiles. 

The matter is expected to remain under review. Church officials have reportedly begun drafting new guidance clarifying that unidentified objects in the sky should not automatically be classified as either demons or aliens. They await further clarity on cryptids and Santa Claus, assuming the two are mutually exclusive that is.  

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.

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