Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
TORONTO — A Canada Border Services Agency detector dog named Moby intercepted more than forty kilograms of undeclared beef and chicken in the luggage of a traveler arriving from Nigeria on March 27, the agency said this week.
You know he wants to eat it all as a reward. (CBSA/x)
The traveler was fined $1,300, a figure arrived at through a schedule of penalties that weighs the severity of the undeclared item, the passenger’s prior record, and the number of CBSA dogs currently named after recording artists. Observers noted that at $32.50 per kilogram, the passenger technically got a better deal than most people who went grocery shopping that week in Toronto.
It was not, in fact, the first such incident of the spring. On March 16, a separate CBSA detector dog named Dharla sat down politely beside a duffel bag from Egypt and waited while her handler discovered 22.5 kilograms of undeclared raw meat. Agency officials insist the two events are unrelated, though they concede that Terminal 1 is beginning to smell a little odd.
It turns out there are two Mobys. One of them is a CBSA Labrador with a government badge and a steady paycheck. The other is a Grammy-nominated musician who has not eaten an animal product since 1987 and has built a second career telling the rest of us not to either. They have never met. Yet.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
