Tourist Busted Vandalizing Ancient City of Pompeii: This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Pompeii, the ancient Roman city that was frozen in time by the catastrophic eruption of Mount Vesuvius in 79 AD, offers a priceless glimpse into the daily lives of the people who lived and worked there two millennia ago. While much of the site remains just as it did after the eruption, there’s a brand new feature: some idiot tourist’s name.

The Italian city of Pompeii welcomes over 2.5 million visitors annually. Most come to take a step back in time to observe the ancient civilization, see the iconic architecture, and bear witness to the horrible tragedy that covered its residents in volcanic ash as they were trying to escape with their lives.

Surprisingly, most of them have been able to exercise enough restraint to not carve their damn names into the relics, but you know, somebody always has to be “that guy.”

The vandal, a tourist from Kazakhstan (shockingly, not Florida), was apprehended by Pompeii security after being caught red-handed—or rather, red-chiseled—engraving his name on a wall in the House of the Ceii, a villa that’s said to have belonged to Lucius Ceius Secundus, a Roman magistrate whose ghost is probably super pissed right now.

Those ancient walls have seen it all in the last two thousand years, but nothing could have prepared them for the unthinkable horrors that emerged in the 2020s… also known as influencers.

In response to this shocking act of historical vandalism, Italian authorities have decreed that the disgraced “artist” will be held responsible for covering the cost of the graffiti’s removal, and will definitely be haunted for life by the ghosts of ancient Romans.

While the exact expense of the wall’s restoration is still under investigation, the park director, Gabriel Zuchtriegel, has labeled the incident as “uncivilized,” which is equivalent to the F-word in historian-speak.

I can’t believe I even have to say this, but please don’t ruin the ruins. Unless you’re the cast of a terrified 2,000-year-old dead guy frozen in time for eternity, no one cares that you’re chilling in Pompeii this summer.

So, the next time you feel the urge to leave your mark on a priceless gem of human history, stick to a selfie instead. History buffs, visitors, and rage-filled ancient ghosts will thank you.