Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Sharon Simmons has delivered nearly 12,000 orders for DoorDash, testified before the House Ways and Means Committee, and survived the American gig economy long enough to earn the title “DoorDash Grandma.” No word on what DoorDash got her for her 10,000th order, but we presume it was “literally nothing.” On Monday, she added a line to the résumé: delivering McDonald’s to the President of the United States, who accepted the bags at the Oval Office door, and tipped her $100, a gratuity several hundred percent larger than anything he has offered Iran. Trump then immediately began a press conference about the Strait of Hormuz blockade while she stood beside him. Trump, surveying the scene with the cameras rolling, told reporters: “This doesn’t look staged.” It looked staged.
You get a sense of "what am I still doing here" alongside "is it sleepytime yet?" (LiveNOW from FOX/YouTube)
Hours before the delivery, the president deleted an AI-generated image from Truth Social in which he himself appeared robed in white, one hand glowing, in the manner of someone who is very specifically supposed to be Jesus Christ. In the image, Trump Christ was healing or resurrecting a man who looks suspiciously like Jeffrey Epstein.
When asked why he chose an image that implied he was Jesus Christ, Trump told reporters the Fake Liberal Media had gotten it wrong yet again: he claimed that he thought the image depicted him as a doctor. “It’s supposed to be me as a doctor, making people better,” he said. “And I do make people better.” He did not clarify why the doctor in the image was performing medicine via divine radiance rather than, say, a stethoscope or a gloved hand up the butt.
The image had drawn backlash from some evangelical Christians and conservative Catholics who have otherwise supported every decision Trump has ever made, marking the first known theological limit in a coalition whose doctrinal flexibility had previously been assumed to be infinite. It’s clear by now that MAGA Christians were never really about Jesus in the first place. They just pretended to be so they could hurt the poor, inflict violence on brown people, foreign and domestic, commit adultery, and sexually assault children with impunity. Which some people, the Pope in particular, would call anti-Christ, as it were. And he’d know.
With Simmons still standing there, Trump pivoted to the Iran war. The U.S. had begun a naval blockade of the Strait of Hormuz that morning, day 45 of a conflict that disrupted 10 million barrels per day of oil traffic and which Trump had previously declared won on multiple occasions. Trump now admitted that Iran had not, in fact, agreed to give up its nuclear program, which he characterized as a sticking point. “Iran will not have a nuclear weapon,” Trump said. “We’ll get the dust back,” he said, referring to enriched uranium now entombed under the rubble of three bombed facilities. “We’ll get it back from them, or we’ll take it.” He said Iran would agree to this, then corrected himself to say he was “almost sure,” then corrected himself again to say he was sure, then said that if they didn’t agree, there would never be a deal. The woman who delivers McDonald’s for a living stared straight ahead. Brent crude was trading at $97 a barrel.
Trump then turned from nuclear negotiations to the DoorDash driver and asked her whether men should play in women’s sports. “I really don’t have an opinion on that,” Simmons said. Trump pressed. “You do!” he insisted. “No, no,” she said. “I’m here on no tax on tips.” A woman who delivers fast food for a living had just set the rhetorical high-water mark for the entire executive branch. This was, by every available metric, the most reasonable statement made at the White House that day, if not month or year.
DoorDash later confirmed that their driver’s testimony was limited to tax policy and did not extend to Title IX, the Strait of Hormuz, or Christology. They also later issued a statement calling the delivery something that “represents something bigger than a single delivery,” which technically applies to most things.
Trump resurrecting Epstein, with some underage nurses surrounding them. (therealdonaldtrump/truthsocial)
Simmons was invited by the president to attend a UFC fight on the Ellipse this summer. Her husband, who was diagnosed with cancer in early 2025 and whose DoorDash income covers his treatment transportation, was also invited, presumably on the condition that he’s out of the hospital and still alive by then.
Trump also accused the Pope of wanting Iran to have nuclear weapons. Trump’s conflict with Pope Leo XIV had been building since Hegseth prayed for “overwhelming violence” at a Pentagon Christian service. Leo told the faithful on Palm Sunday that God refuses the prayers of those who wage war and used his Easter address to tell armed men to lay down their weapons. On April 7th, Trump posted that “a whole civilization will die tonight,” by which he meant Iran. Pope Leo called this “truly unacceptable,” which Trump took personally enough to post on Truth Social that the Pope was “WEAK on Crime, and terrible for Foreign Policy.” The Pope said today he had no fear of the Trump administration, probably because when Trump reaches the afterlife, he’ll be going somewhere as far away as possible from where Jesus is.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
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