Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
TikTok says it is looking into why users cannot send the word “Epstein” in direct messages, a problem that materialized, through pure happenstance, the exact week the app came under the control of investors who are close personal friends with a president who was close personal friends with Jeffrey Epstein. The company asks that users remain patient while it investigates this extraordinary coincidence.
Coincidences are so much fun! ( rafapress/depositphotos)
“We don’t have rules against sharing the name ‘Epstein,'” a TikTok spokesman assured reporters, using the same reassuring tone the Bureau of Prisons used when explaining why two cameras simultaneously malfunctioned outside a particular cell in August 2019. The spokesman added that the issue was being reviewed by a team whose findings would be released at an unspecified future date, possibly after everyone involved had died of natural causes.
The timing has not gone unnoticed. TikTok finalized its sale to a group of mostly American investors just days ago, a deal spearheaded by Oracle founder Larry Ellison, who is both a close ally of President Trump and, presumably, a man who has never heard the name Jeffrey Epstein spoken aloud in his presence without someone nearby making a loud coughing noise. Trump’s own connections to the late convicted sex offender have plagued his administration for months, though aides insist the president’s friendship with Epstein was purely transactional, a phrase they declined to elaborate on. Because it wasn’t necessary.
Users attempting to message the forbidden word were met with a prompt declaring their message “may be in violation of TikTok’s community guidelines,” sent “to protect our community.” The company did not specify which community was being protected, nor from what, though one imagines it’s the kind of community of wealthy old men that summers at Mar-a-Lago and has very aggressive lawyers.
California Governor Gavin Newsom has announced an inquiry into the matter, marking the first time a state government has formally investigated why a social media company won’t let teenagers type a dead man’s name in casual conversation. Newsom’s office says the inquiry will examine whether the blocking constitutes censorship, though investigators have already been warned not to send any findings via TikTok DM.
The youth community could have done with this protection for the past few decades. (x.com)
TikTok maintains that none of its content moderation rules have changed since the ownership transfer. This is technically true in the same way that nothing changed at Twitter when Elon Musk took over, if you don’t count the nazi stuff, election interference, and nonstop white replacement theory. The company did confirm it is “grappling with far-reaching technical issues” since the sale, including videos receiving zero views, feeds not updating, and an unrelated tendency for the algorithm to bury anything mentioning private islands.
The app will also now collect users’ precise location data, according to updated privacy terms. A spokesperson said this is standard industry practice and definitely not related to needing to know where everyone is at all times “just in case.” When asked whether the location tracking would be used to identify users who repeatedly attempt to type “Epstein,” the spokesman said they’d have to get back to us, then didn’t.
The company says it expects the situation to resolve once the technical review concludes, a timeline roughly synchronized with how long it takes people to stop paying attention. TikTok remains committed to openness, transparency, and the firm belief that if you simply wait long enough, everything becomes someone else’s problem.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
