Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In what is either a breakthrough in mosquito repellent or the weirdest Skrillex marketing ploy since “Drop Dead Gorgeous (with Actual Cadavers),” researchers have confirmed that playing 15-year-old dubstep makes mosquitoes lose interest in sex and bloodsucking, which is also how my last three dates ended.
Kills mosquitoes with just one beat. (s_bukley/depositphotos)
The star of this wingless rave is “Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites,” a Skrillex track from back when people still bought music and believed in dubstep as a valid career path. Scientists piped the track into a mosquito enclosure—presumably after losing a bet—and discovered that mosquitoes basically went, “nah, I’m good,” and stopped mating and biting altogether.
According to the study, the insects’ sexy-time signals rely on low-frequency vibrations, which the Skrillex track shredded like an overcaffeinated wood chipper. “Blood-feeding activity was lower,” noted the researchers, who presumably didn’t have the heart to just say, “the bugs were too confused to bone.”
One mosquito named Trevor (not confirmed) was observed spiraling into an existential crisis midway through the second drop. “I came here to suck blood and smash thoraxes,” he allegedly said. “But now I just feel like…vibing.”
This is excellent news for humans and a tragic day for mosquitoes who just wanted to Netflix and malaria.
I mean, he looks a little like a Skrillex fan. The irony… (apichart/depositphotos)
Also noted in the study: mosquitoes can “create and listen to love songs,” which makes it sound like there’s a whole undiscovered insect version of Boyz II Men out there, crooning in frequencies only your ankles can hear.
Online reaction was swift. Redditors posted memes, a Florida man made it his ringtone, and at least one dude in Oregon now identifies as a “mosquito DJ influencer.” One guy claimed it worked during a pondside test, which sounds like either science or the setup to a Dateline episode.
The researchers are optimistic that Skrillex could be the future of mosquito repellent—at least until the bugs evolve earbuds and playlists.
🐾 Bonus List: 10 Songs and the Animals They Drive Away
- Nickelback – “Photograph”: Drives away feral cats and three of your Tinder matches
- Crazy Frog – “Axel F”: Causes gophers to voluntarily evict themselves and relocate to Arizona
- Pitbull – “Fireball”: Ants abandon sugar trails and go start a conga line in the neighbor’s pantry
- Justin Bieber – “Baby”: Causes pigeons to fly into traffic voluntarily
- Fleetwood Mac – “The Chain”: Triggers deer to start slow-motion headbanging and leave the county
- MC Hammer – “U Can’t Touch This”: Repels raccoons and dads with equal efficiency
- Celine Dion – “My Heart Will Go On”: Dolphins mysteriously disappear into the Mariana Trench
- Rebecca Black – “Friday”: Sends squirrels into hibernation, even in July
- Taylor Swift – “Shake It Off”: Confuses bees into pollinating car bumpers
- John Cage – “4’33”: Kills all nearby crickets from sheer existential horror
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
