Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In what historians will likely classify as Britain’s first full-scale pastry-based narco empire, three men have been jailed for smuggling in 91,350,000 canisters of nitrous oxide – also known as laughing gas, giggle juice, or “whippets” if you’re a 2003 raver still clinging to relevance.
This represents 0.000024% of the total number of smuggled canisters. ( shellystill/)
The ringleaders were twin brothers Benjamin and Thomas Richardson, and also Carl Messen, a man who somehow looks like every IT guy who’s ever told you to reboot. Together, they hatched a scheme so deviously British that it involved fake catering companies, absurd amounts of whipped cream, and Thomas taking a victory selfie while dry-humping a mattress made of £20 notes.
Between 2016 and 2018, the trio’s fake companies allegedly imported more nitrous oxide than Costa, Starbucks, and probably the entire cast of “Made in Chelsea” combined. Which is like opening a lemonade stand that outsells Coca-Cola, and somehow nobody noticed – at least initially.
While most legal distributors were content supplying whipped cream for desserts, it’s a well-known fact that Britain hasn’t produced a functional dessert since 1874. The gang allegedly laundered £16.7 million through their whipped cream empire, proving once again that every British financial crime is basically just a “Great British Bake Off” challenge gone horribly wrong.
Who doesn't want to charge their cream? (West Yorkshire Police)
Their “business model” was simple:
- Set up companies with names like “Whipped & Baked Ltd” or “Dairy Air Enterprises.” Get it? It’s a butt.
- Import absurd amounts of nitrous oxide while muttering the phrase “for dessert purposes” while using air quotes just in case people were dumb enough to actually believe them.
- Sell said gas to a network of underground party suppliers, music festivals, and at least one particularly weird but strangely popular daycare center.
- Pose for selfies next to money piles like a middle-aged TikToker who just discovered psychedelics.
Benjamin Richardson, 38, was sentenced to six years and two months after a court rejected his argument that “people are happier when they’re laughing.” His twin brother Thomas got five years and eight months, and Carl Messen, who claimed he thought it was just for personal use and birthday balloons, got three years and two months.
Can you tell which two are the twins? Yep, it’s the two having a bad beard battle.
Police discovered £16.7 million in laundered cash, all carefully concealed in bank accounts, storage units, and one regrettable OnlyFans attempt called “Mr. Whippy69.” According to the Yorkshire and Humber Regional Organised Crime Unit (official motto: “We’re not funny, but we stop the people who are”), this was a serious and dangerous enterprise that caused harm and misery throughout the UK’s already giggle-deprived population.
One officer stated, “We knew we had to act when someone tried to sell whipped cream shots from a food truck at a funeral.”
Despite its comedic core, health officials warn that heavy nitrous oxide use can cause serious damage, neurological issues, and possibly death. Although for Carl, Thomas, and Benjamin, the worst side effect was “prison food and a roommate named Spider Steve.”
When asked for comment, one of the arrested men shouted, “I REGRET NOTHING,” before tripping over his own untied designer sneaker and letting out a short, ironic “hee-hee.”
The court is currently reviewing a secondary case involving a gang importing 47 tons of edible glitter, allegedly for “crafting purposes.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
