Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
An Exeter Township man called 911 Saturday to report a snake in his car, a sentence that is somehow not a metaphor. Police described the incident as “a little outside the usual,” which in Berks County typically means “the deer got inside the Wawa.” Except this time, the python got inside the Uber.
At least someone's happy to have a box of snake. (Exeter Township (Berks County) Police Department)
The driver told officers he’d picked up two passengers Friday night from a reptile show in Philadelphia. During the ride, one passenger mentioned that the contents of their bag had “fallen out” and asked to look for it, but the driver kept driving, presumably operating under the reasonable assumption that bag contents are not live snakes. This was, in retrospect, the last moment anyone involved had control of the situation.
The driver arrived home in Exeter, parked in his garage, and went to bed, leaving the python to spend the night in the trunk. Ball pythons, for reference, are nocturnal. So while the driver slept, his trunk was having a very active evening.
Officers responded Saturday and “secured the snake,” which was also somehow not a euphemism. The python was transported to “a safe location,” a phrase that law enforcement typically means to be a place where the thing in question becomes someone else’s responsibility.
Uber’s annual Lost and Found Index lists dentures, Viking drinking horns, and live lobsters among items passengers have left behind in rides. A ball python would be a first.
The last thing you want when you've been nocturnally partying is someone to open the trunk in the morning. (Exeter Township (Berks County) Police Department)
The passengers have not been publicly identified. Police noted they attended the Philadelphia reptile expo, which is an annual event where hundreds of vendors sell snakes, lizards, and tarantulas to people who then transport them home in bags that apparently don’t close.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
