Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
MILAN — In a stunning reversal that sources say had absolutely nothing to do with corporate synergy, Universal Pictures has granted Spanish figure skater Tomas-Llorenc Guarino Sabate permission to perform his Minions routine at the 2026 Winter Olympics. This would be the same routine that the studio denied him permission to perform approximately 72 hours earlier, as reported on Odd News.
Nobody's happier than the Minions. (Giphy)
The decision, Universal confirmed, came after “an outpouring of social media support,” a phrase that here means Universal Pictures and NBC share a parent company (Comcast), a detail that is inexplicably buried deep in all other news coverage of this story. It literally explains everything.
“Huge THANK YOU to everyone who reposted, shared, and supported,” Sabate wrote on Instagram, crediting fans for a victory that was almost certainly secured by a single internal email with the subject line “re: re: re: the Minion thing you idiots.” He added that he was “so happy to see that the Minions hitting Olympic ice is becoming real again,” a sentence that now exists and cannot be taken back. Hopefully, no underworld demons were summoned by it. Especially yellow ones speaking mock-Portuguese.
Sabate, 26, had spent the week preparing to abandon his signature routine after Universal’s licensing division informed him that copyright protocols would not permit him to skate to animated gibberish at the world’s most-watched sporting event. He had begun considering Beethoven, though it remained unclear whether he meant the composer or the 1992 dog film, which Universal also owns and would have probably sent him a second C&D if he tried it.
The reversal spares Sabate the logistical nightmare of learning an entirely new program days before competition, and spares Universal the reputational inconvenience of being the company that made the Olympics less fun for no reason. Both parties have described the resolution as “a win,” though only one of them controls a multimedia conglomerate worth approximately $170 billion.
Sabate will compete in the men’s singles short program on February 10, where he will skate at Olympic-caliber speeds in a yellow T-shirt and blue overalls while music from a children’s film plays over the arena speakers. Judges will score him using the same criteria they use for everyone else. The Minions will continue to not be real. The Olympics will be broadcast on NBC, which is owned by Comcast, which also owns Universal Pictures, in case that wasn’t clear the first time.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
