Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
MILAN — The 2026 Winter Olympics will not, as previously anticipated, feature a Spanish man skating to Minions music in a yellow shirt and blue overalls. Universal Pictures has exercised its legal right to decline the request, a decision the studio characterized as “routine” and skating enthusiasts have characterized as “the only interesting thing that was going to happen in men’s singles.”
And let's face it, the Minions are too busy at the Winter Olympics partying with Chloe Kim. (YouTube)
For the uninitiated: Sabate’s routine involves skating at Olympic-caliber speeds while dressed as a Minion, one of the small yellow creatures from the Despicable Me films who speak in gibberish and exist primarily to be licensed onto lunchboxes. His coach has praised the technical difficulty of the program. The International Skating Union has confirmed only that the costume does not violate any existing rules, a statement that raised more questions than it answered about what the existing rules actually prohibit.
“Unfortunately, just days before the Olympic inauguration, I was informed that I am no longer permitted to use this program,” Sabate announced via Instagram, attaching a photo of himself mid-spin in full costume. Fans described the post as “heartbreaking” and “what?”
Universal Pictures released a brief statement confirming the denial, noting that all Olympic broadcast rights inquiries must be submitted through their licensing division at least eighteen months in advance, though a source familiar with the matter suggested the decision “wasn’t really about timing.” They did not elaborate on what the issue actually was, although “money” is likely a strong contender.
The Spanish Olympic Committee has pledged to support Sabate through the transition, offering to help him select replacement music from a pre-approved list that includes “basically anything not owned by a company with lawyers.” Sabate has not yet announced his new program, but confirmed it will not involve cosplay, yellow fabric, or “any character that speaks in a fictional language,” which notably eliminates Star Trek, Game of Thrones, and the entire Tolkien catalog. “I am considering Beethoven,” he told reporters, hopefully meaning the music and not the 1992 dog movie, because otherwise he’ll have to repeat the whole process a second time if Universal finds out.
The 2026 Winter Olympics begin February 6 in Milan, where Sabate will compete in the men’s singles event. Universal Pictures will continue to hold the Minions rights in perpetuity, long after everyone involved in this story has died.
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