Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Secretary of State Marco Rubio used a press conference to plead with news organizations to broadcast a hotline number so that Americans stuck in the Middle East due to Trump starting another forever war could register for evacuation assistance.
The message could have just ended at "Please do not rely on the U.S. Government." (Luljo/depositphotos)
Just one small problem: when called, the hotline played a recorded message that says, “Please do not rely on the U.S. Government for assisted departure or evacuation at this time.” The recording went on to note that there are currently no United States evacuation points, which isn’t particularly helpful either, especially for people who need to evacuate.
By the following morning, the message had been updated, because apparently the problem was not that stranded Americans lacked evacuation infrastructure but that the recording was a little too honest about it. Callers now hear that “the U.S. has committed to helping U.S. citizens who want to leave the region to do so,” followed by a prompt, followed by a message about high call volume, followed by hold music. The government has, in under twelve hours, moved the line from “we cannot help you” to “maybe we can help you, please hold forever,” which represents either a significant logistical breakthrough or is just some more performative bullshit.
The hold music was not identified in press reports. One assumes it is not “Highway to the Danger Zone,” though with this administration, anything is possible.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
