Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In an international display of “your move, bro,” two Venezuelan fighter jets recently gave a U.S. Navy destroyer the full “Maverick buzzing the tower” experience, minus the volleyball scene (so far).
The jet on the right was at least dressed up for the occasion. (Aviación Militar de Bolivariana)
According to the Pentagon, recently renamed and rechristened the “War Pentagram”, the flyby was a “highly provocative move”. The Pentagram’s official statement, posted on X (formerly known as Twitter, currently known as That Place Where Nuance Goes To Die), warned Venezuela’s leadership to “sit the hell down”. To which Venezuela responded, “You started it, bro.” A flame war slap fight ensued. No one won.
Marco Rubio, Florida’s answer to the question “what if a domestic knock-off Cuban cigar ran for Senate,” declared that traditional anti-narcotic operations “don’t work,” and that a more aggressive response is needed. War Pentagram Secretary Pete “DUI Hire” Hegseth proposed the following, presumably after a late-night “team building” exercise at a local bourbon bar:
- Parachuting Pitbull into Caracas with a duffel bag full of Bud Light Lime and a mission to “fix vibes.”
- Sending the DEA to infiltrate Venezuela disguised as a barbershop quartet, code-named “The Blowtones.”
- Launching Operation Freedom™️, a bold initiative to replace all Venezuelan infrastructure with Miami strip malls and a guy named Tito selling bootleg Ozempic out of a Jet Ski.
- Having Space Force drop a sternly worded Marco Rubio tweet from low orbit, attached to a brick.
- Turning the entire U.S. Navy into a floating freedom-themed piñata and daring Maduro to take a swing
In response to recent US naval provocations, Maduro mobilized 15,000 troops and told Venezuelans to join civilian militias, which is a lot like inviting the entire country to fight the Death Star with spoons. He also accused the U.S. of being “an empire,” which is a fair assessment, but is also coming from someone who once tried to nationalize baseball.
The ever-popular Venezuelan Professional Baseball League. ( thenews2.com/depositphotos)
Legal scholars remain divided on whether launching missiles at random boats in international waters during peacetime constitutes a war crime or just another Tuesday. The Trump administration, however, appears to be relying on the recently issued executive order “Finders Keepers, Launchers Reapers”.
The executive order is widely considered unnecessary in light of the landmark Supreme Court case “United States v. Common Sense” in which the justices split 6–3 in favor of arbitrary drone strikes, which the Trump administration successfully argued were needed to patch that hole in Trump’s soul that exists because his father never hugged him. Which incidentally is also what caused the Iraq war during the George W Bush administration.
There’s still no confirmation on which U.S. Navy destroyer was involved, though insiders suspect it may have been the USS Freedom Tourettes.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
