Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Venice, Italy, the city famous for canals, gondolas, and charging you $14 for a Coke, has now added “getting sued by pickpockets” to its list of tourist attractions.
Just waiting for one of these gondolas to steal something. (Sepy/depositphotos)
Walking through St. Mark’s Square is basically an open-world stealth tutorial. NPCs distract you with fetch quests like “hold this rose” or “tell me your favorite BTS song,” while pickpockets grind XP on your credit cards. Achievement unlocked: Walletless Wonder.
But recently, a vigilante group calling itself the “Not Distracted Citizens” decided to fight back. Armed with smartphones, loud voices, and the righteous fury of people who paid €12 for an espresso, they began filming suspected thieves and yelling things like “Attenzione, pickpocket!” at pickpockets.
In an unexpected reversal of roles, several of Venice’s sticky-fingered elite have lawyered up and filed lawsuits against the very citizens who were trying to stop them. Charges include stalking, unauthorized filming, and ruining the authentic Venetian tourist experience of being robbed.
Venice’s police chief chimed in to clarify that private citizens cannot legally impersonate law enforcement. Though apparently, you can impersonate an extra from Ocean’s Eleven and relieve people of their wallets outside the Basilica.
Monica Poli, dubbed Lady Pickpocket like some sort of Marvel character who never quite made it past the concept art phase, couldn’t believe the lawsuits. “We’re fighting crime,” she said, adjusting her utility belt of spare SD cards. “Yet we’re treated like we’re the villains.”
The lawsuits have divided Venice, with half the city backing the Not Distracted Citizens and the other half wondering if it’s legal to crowdsource Batman.
Meanwhile, local officials have proposed several solutions, ranging from “mildly concerning” to “what if Robocop had anxiety.” The mayor wants a new type of judge who can jail pickpockets for 12 days on the spot, like some sort of espresso-fueled Judge Judy. The regional governor floated the idea of ankle monitors because nothing says rehabilitation like a stylish court-mandated Fitbit. And in the most Italian solution possible, one undersecretary suggested punishing entire families of pickpockets because the last time Italy decided to collectively punish entire families worked out great, said nobody in a history class ever.
Legal experts warn that without clear national laws, Italy is headed toward a dystopian future where crime is technically illegal but only if you catch it on camera and submit it before aperitivo.
"Oooh, AirPod Pros, it's my lucky day!" (sborisov/depositphotos)
And so the battle rages: smartphone-wielding vigilantes vs. litigious thieves, in a city slowly sinking under the weight of lawsuits and overpriced souvenirs. Somewhere, a gondolier sighs, pockets someone’s AirPods, and rows off into the distance.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
