Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
It will be very focused on hands because… well, just because. (Rangizzz/depositphotos)
WASHINGTON – In a move historians are already calling “the moment America became a direct-to-DVD sequel,” UFC President Dana White confirmed that a cage fight will “probably” take place on the actual grounds of the White House. The fight is expected to be broadcast on CBS, because if you’re going to turn the seat of American democracy into a Vegas undercard, you might as well give it the same coverage as a “Young Sheldon” rerun.
The announcement came mere hours after UFC inked a $7 billion deal with Paramount, which reportedly celebrated by merging with Skydance, firing half their HR department, and promising President Trump they’d “diversify” CBS News coverage. Which, in this case, meant adding one guy in a Tapout shirt to the newsroom.
Trump, who has floated the idea before (“lots of land, great sightlines, and the Lincoln Bedroom already has an octagon rug”), is believed to be enthusiastic about hosting. Insiders say he’s pushing for celebrity match-ups such as Elon Musk vs. a live grizzly, or himself vs. “that low flush toilet in the Oval Office.”
Security concerns remain high, as the White House fence will now serve as the official undercard warm-up cage. Meanwhile, National Park Service staff are reportedly “just thrilled” at the idea of cleaning up post-fight blood from the Resolute Desk.
This guy will probably be fighting, because of the ol' USA red, white, and blue. Or France. Or Croatia. Or Great Britain. Or Russia. Or… We should sue them all!!! (MikeOrlov/depositphotos)
In a leaked memo, Paramount executives brainstormed potential follow-up events to “maximize brand synergy,” including:
- Senate Committee hearings in a ball pit
- Supreme Court Justices’ three-fall ladder match for constitutional amendments
- A State of the Union delivered entirely in WWE promos
- Filibuster Fight Club – senators talk until they’re knocked out or until someone cares, whichever comes first
- First Lady’s Furniture Toss – points for distance, bonus points if it clears the Truman Balcony
- The Vice Presidential Spelling Bee – elimination rounds start after the word “nuclear”
- Press Secretary Dunk Tank – each wrong answer gets a fastball from the AP White House correspondent
- Oval Office Chair Spinning Contest – last one to vomit gets to keep the nuclear codes for the weekend
Dana White promises the fight will “be huge,” noting that “nothing says American exceptionalism like two sweaty people pummeling each other and hugging in front of the nuclear football.”
Thomas Jefferson could not be reached for comment, but psychic mediums report he is “rolling in his grave so hard he’s become a renewable energy source.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
