As opposed to, you know, anything actually useful.
Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
A Ghanaian witch doctor has vowed to place a curse on England captain Harry Kane ahead of Tuesday’s World Cup clash, extending his long and distinguished supernatural career devoted almost entirely to messing with soccer players.
As if the England team needs any external assistance in being cursed. (vitaliivitleo/depositphotos)
Nana Kwaku Bonsam, who describes himself as Africa’s only Authentic Man, whatever the hell that means, says he has already begun work on cursing Harry Kane and expects results soon. The announcement marks another chapter in his ongoing effort to demonstrate mastery over mystical forces supposedly powerful enough to alter human destiny, but also somehow not powerful enough to solve any actual real world problem.
The witch doctor previously claimed responsibility for Cristiano Ronaldo’s injury before Ghana’s 2014 World Cup meeting with Portugal. At the time, Bonsam explained that conventional medicine would be unable to detect the source of the problem because the injury was spiritual in nature, a diagnosis he may or may not have borrowed from millions of oxycodone addicts attempting to explain lower-back pain.
Bonsam says his powers originate from the Kofi Oo Kofi shrine, granting him access to forces invisible to ordinary mortals. Critics have questioned why these abilities have thus far been directed primarily toward soccer tournaments rather than toward solving famine, curing disease, resolving political instability, or finding a reasonably priced airport sandwich.
England manager Thomas Tuchel appeared unconcerned by the threat, continuing preparations after the Three Lions’ opening victory. Players spent the week focusing on tactical drills, fitness training, and reviewing whether long-distance curses count against FIFA’s fair play rules.
Full-back Djed Spence praised Tuchel’s demanding standards, noting that every training session must be performed at the highest level. Team staff later clarified that this includes stretching, conditioning, and avoiding eye contact with any suspicious gourds left outside the hotel.
As kickoff approaches, England remains confident. Kane is expected to start unless he experiences sudden spiritual tightness, metaphysical swelling, or a mysterious inability to stop having pseudo-sexual daydreams about Ghanaian midfielders.
Meanwhile, Bonsam has promised to do everything in his power to help his country. Asked whether those powers might someday be used for something larger than sabotaging famous soccer players, the witch doctor reportedly said he would first need to see how the quarterfinals shake out.
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