Republicans immediately pray to cancel the curse, successfully defeating magic with slightly different magic.
Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
DILWORTH, Minn. — A routine straw poll for Minnesota’s gubernatorial candidates descended into what officials are calling a “spiritual security incident” this week after a self-identified witch in a green cape announced they were hexing everyone in the room. Republican attendees responded by forming an emergency prayer circle. It’s not clear if any of these shenanigans actually worked.
The gathering at Dilworth Elementary School cafeteria had been proceeding normally, or what passes for normal when the ballot includes MyPillow founder Mike Lindell. Then a figure in a green cape began cackling from the back of the room immediately after a volunteer announced Lindell had received seven votes to Kendall Qualls’ thirty. It was not clear whether this response constituted a hex or if the situation was just hilarious.
A hex on all of his pillows! (mkopka/depositphotos)
The caped individual was escorted toward the exit while shouting accusations that the crowd bore responsibility for federal agent-involved shootings under the Trump administration. While considered off-topic for a gubernatorial straw poll, it was not technically against the posted rules. Upon reaching the door, the protester yelled: “I’m a witch. I hex all of you.” Because apparently it’s just that easy to cast a hex.
One attendee requested the floor and moved immediately to prayer. “We cancel that curse, that hex, in Jesus’s name,” he announced. The motion passed by acclamation. The crowd responded “Amen,” and several attendees offered blessings that the witch might see the error of their ways, which is a spiritual courtesy not typically extended to hecklers throwing witchcraft around, but consistent with the evening’s expanding scope.
Lindell’s campaign for governor has drawn significant attention in Minnesota, largely because he has spent the past four years insisting the 2020 election was stolen through mechanisms he has attempted to prove via “cyber symposiums,” proprietary social media platforms, and a Supreme Court filing that the Supreme Court declined to hear due to a total lack of evidence. His entry into state politics is seen by supporters as a natural extension of this work and by critics as evidence that the computer simulation we all live in is running out of ideas.
The witch has not been publicly identified. The hex’s current status is listed as “cancelled pending divine confirmation.” Lindell’s campaign did not respond to requests for comment, though his website continues to sell pillows with a 66% discount code, which some attendees noted was one digit short of suspicious.
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