Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Marine biologists in New Caledonia have filmed what they’re calling the “world’s first shark threesome,” proving conclusively that Shark Week has officially run out of ideas.
Whenever you want a little privacy, there's usually a creepy scientist around with his camera. (USCEDUAU/YouTube)
The trio of leopard sharks was spotted off the Pacific coast, where one scientist treaded water for an hour waiting for hot shark-on-shark-on-shark action. His patience was rewarded with the kind of thing you usually find behind a browser warning: two males and one female conducting 63 seconds of furious dude stuff followed immediately by 47 seconds of “well, guess it’s my turn” dude stuff.
The sharks were about 7.5 feet long, which is longer than your average surfboard, though thankfully not as greasy. Afterward, both males flopped listlessly on the seafloor like dads after Thanksgiving dinner, while the female swam away at Olympic pace, presumably muttering, “I’ve had better.”
The species is endangered. Scientists stressed that their excitement was purely academic, though the fact that they measured the exact duration of each attempt down to the second raises uncomfortable questions about what else marine biologists are timing.
The study noted that shark copulation in captivity can last up to five minutes. In the wild, however, the two males barely cleared a combined two minutes, giving hope to below-average men of every species.
Senior Research Fellow Dr. Christine Dudgeon praised the rare footage, explaining that from a genetic diversity perspective, it’s fascinating when two fathers potentially contribute to one batch of eggs. She did not comment on whether or not Maury Povich had applied for the video rights.
Scientists say this observation will help conservationists improve artificial insemination programs to rewild sharks in Australia. In other words: shark IVF, coming soon to a reality show near you. Until then, marine researchers will continue to float around with cameras, hoping for the next great breakthrough in science, or at least a few more likes on TikTok.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
