Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
As any regular reader of Odd News knows by now, crime tends not to pay. That tends to be even more true when the criminals are dumb. If we had a dollar for every time we wrote about a hapless, helpless miscreant who finds themselves foiled due to idiocy, we wouldn’t be begging you to buy our merch, which makes a great gift for just about anyone and has been scientifically proven to make you appear more attractive. At any rate, some dude on Cape Cod failed miserably at stealing a car by getting spooked and calling the cops.
Did the unnamed gentleman do this because he realized that he needed a second chance at redemption and wanted to live on the up-and-up from here on out? Absolutely not. In fact, he couldn’t even properly steal the car. After breaking the car’s steering column with a screwdriver, he wasn’t able to start the car, so he looked in the trunk and found drugs. Lots of drugs. Like a kilo of cocaine with Bugs Bunny on it, which we guess would make him Drugs Bunny.
Eh… what's up DEA? (barnstable police/facebook)
A few things likely went through the guy’s mind. First, he probably imagined reappropriating the drugs, which also included some amphetamine pills, and selling enough of them that he could buy a car instead of trying to steal one. Or perhaps a bender to end all benders, holed up in a flophouse somewhere for a few weeks. Then, because he’d either watched too many gangster movies as a kid, or was a gangster himself, perhaps imagined a drug dealer might find out that he’d tried to break into his car. Drug dealers tend to be a bit murdery when people mess with their stuff.
The thought of being on the wrong side of a cartel must have scared the guy more than being on the wrong side of the law, so he called it in. Police came to the scene, where he said he found the coke and pills on the side of the road, which is a very believable story that the police definitely didn’t question him further about. Actually, they did, and his web of lies fell apart very quickly. The cops then presumably put the contraband back in the trunk and set up a camera, where they arrested the car’s owner, 62-year-old Edward Gillespie, for trafficking the drugs from Hyannis to Nantucket.
While the Barnstable PD was excited to post their bust on the internet to warn other Looney Tunes characters against appearing on large packages of drugs, there’s no word on what happened to the original would-be car thief. Did he get a slap on the wrist, or did he get handcuffs slapped on his wrists? Perhaps he’s a Cape Cod vigilante now, breaking into cars not to steal them, but to check for drugs. We may never know, but the only thing he’s stolen recently is the hearts of the Barnstable, MA Police Department.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
