Drew Curtis

British Pothole-Repair Lorry Achieves Pothole Status Retroactively

Officials say the recovery effort is underway, making this the fastest-moving pothole project in Britain.

Drew Curtis

Self-Driving Waymo in London Fails To Recognize Walls, Active Crime Scene

The future of transportation remains trapped in a cul-de-sac.

Drew Curtis

Trump Honors Mothers by Taking a Nap

After campaigning for half a decade against sleepy Joe, it appears President Trump was projecting all along.

Drew Curtis

Pyongyang Adopts Mandatory Automatic Nuclear Retaliation Policy After Watching Iran’s Khamenei Get Epic Fury’d

Officials described the plan as “stabilizing,” somehow.

Drew Curtis

Trump Administration Gets New Video Game Adaptation – Operation Epic Furious: Strait to Hell

New arcade game has players battling Iranian schoolgirls, low-flow showerheads, and the pope.

Drew Curtis

Censorship Conference Censored

Weber State rules conference not academic enough to qualify for academic freedom, but academic enough to require censoring. Subcommittee formed to define "real".

Drew Curtis

President Posts AI Image of Himself Losing at UNO, Claims He’s Winning

At least he didn’t depict himself as Jesus again. But the week is still young.

Drew Curtis

Michigan State Confirms Wells Hall Has Reverted Back to a “Math Lab” 

Officials say the chemicals were not part of an active methamphetamine lab, merely the complete ingredient list for one, distributed across five duffel bags, on the fifth floor, for sixteen days. Sure, that happens. 

Drew Curtis

God Hates Fiberglass Dinosaurs 

This is at least the second time the Almighty has personally vetoed a roadside attraction via lightning strike.

Drew Curtis

Loch Ness Tourism Board Interprets Dave Bautista’s Gift Shop Visit as Ancient Prophecy

Hollywood actor exits Drumnadrochit Hotel having eaten lunch and seen no monsters, which the Loch Ness Centre confirms is consistent with every other visit in recorded history.

Drew Curtis

FIFA’s Gianni Infantino Denied Pope-Tier Motorcade by Canadians

Vancouver Police politely explain that running a bracket tournament does not, in fact, qualify a man for "Internationally Protected Person" status, no matter how many fake peace prizes he hands out.

Drew Curtis

Indian Billionaire Offers To Adopt Pablo Escobar’s Cocaine Hippos

Vantara sanctuary, currently subject of a Supreme Court investigation, says it has the "expertise, infrastructure, and resolve" to receive 80 invasive Cocaine hippos.

Drew Curtis