Hillsborough County Responds To Questions About a Student’s Record-Breaking 11.99 GPA
Somewhere, a 4.0 student just quietly closed LinkedIn.
Drew Curtis
Man Arrested for Returning LEGO Sets After Swapping Out Minifigures for Dried Pasta
These aren't the minifigs you're looking for.
Drew Curtis
U.S. Shells Iran’s Pistachio Industry So California Can Corner the Global Nut Market
No euphemisms were deployed in this headline, not even the phrase “global nut market”.
Drew Curtis
Human Skull Hunt on Easter Goes About as Well as (Un)Planned
Let’s just say eggs weren’t the only things dyed at this park.
Bram Teitelman
Dumb Waiter Robot Won’t Stop Dancing
The future is here, and boy does it enjoy cutting a rug.
Bram Teitelman
News Report on Bear Attack Interrupted by Bear
She continued the story, proving she was no cub reporter.
Bram Teitelman
Coyote That Broke Into Alcatraz Gets Fat in Two Weeks From Eating Everything That Isn’t Nailed Down
Nature’s most successful prison reform experiment to date.
Drew Curtis
Super Bowl Teams Refuse To Train Near 49ers Facility Built Over Hellmouth
Coaches cite logistics, geography, and a general sense of doom.
Drew Curtis
Google Hiring Humans To Fix AI That Was Supposed To Replace Humans
Silicon Valley discovers the shocking productivity benefits of carbon-based lifeforms.
Drew Curtis
Otter-ly Ridiculous Surfboard Thief Strikes Again
When the Beach Boys sang “Surfin’ Safari,” they had no idea how literal it would be one day.
Bram Teitelman
Tech Bros Discover That What AI Really Needed Was Bloodsport
The singularity will be televised—and it’ll charge $30 at the door.
Drew Curtis
Jamie Lee Curtis Furious About Stolen Dinosaur
We’re not sure which timeline this is anymore.
Drew Curtis
San Bruno Police Discover They Can’t Write Tickets for Driverless Cars
The good news is the car was sober; the bad news is it also can’t pay fines, appear in court, or feel shame.
Drew Curtis
Thieves Steal $7,000 Worth of Labubu Dolls. Boomers Ask, “What’s a Labubu?”
$7,000 worth of Labubu dolls is exactly three dolls, by the way.
Drew Curtis
