President Posts AI Image of Himself Losing at UNO, Claims He’s Winning
At least he didn’t depict himself as Jesus again. But the week is still young.
Drew Curtis
White House Asks Spies To Model How Iran Would React to Trump Declaring Victory
Which is a question they probably should have asked before the war even started.
Drew Curtis
Ukraine to Field 25,000 Military Ground Robots in 2026
Russia counters with new coal-powered reconnaissance horse.
Drew Curtis
Chevron Executive Tells Americans To Drive Less
Chevron returned $27 billion to shareholders last year. CEO compensation package is north of $30 million. But sure, try carpooling.
Drew Curtis
Pentagon Threatens Pope
Department of War to Holy See: Forgive us our trespasses, as we bomb those who trespass against us.
Drew Curtis
U.S. Shells Iran’s Pistachio Industry So California Can Corner the Global Nut Market
No euphemisms were deployed in this headline, not even the phrase “global nut market”.
Drew Curtis
Pope to Hegseth: God Hates War. Hegseth to Pope: I Know You Are, but What Am I?
Psalm 144 enters the chat, immediately regrets it.
Drew Curtis
Hundreds of Active-Duty Military Report Their Superiors Are Too Enthusiastic About Ending the World
Turns out “chain of command” now includes someone who lives in the sky and hasn’t filed paperwork since 33 A.D.
Drew Curtis
US Middle East Evacuation Hotline Leads To Unhelpful Information
Press 1 for evacuation, press 2 for existential dread, press 3 to enjoy the soothing sound of government hold music.
Drew Curtis
War Scores Well With DC Pizza Lovers
Because while politicians may be war-hungry, you can’t subsist on war alone.
Bram Teitelman
Fish Sticks Are Funding Russia’s War on Ukraine. And You Should Feel Bad
The frozen food aisle has entered its Cold War era, and your air fryer is now complicit.
Drew Curtis
AI Models Keep Nuking Everything in War Games
When given 27 choices, they picked “apocalypse” as if it were a preset.
Drew Curtis
Ukraine Hits Russian Target 800 Miles Away With New Homemade Cruise Missile Built From Airplane Scrap
When your war machine becomes its own parts supplier, that’s less a setback and more a very awkward recycling program.
Drew Curtis
Russia Plans Porn Ban for Single Women To Force Them to Birth More Cannon Fodder for Future Wars
The Kremlin bravely confronts its greatest military threat yet: Wi-Fi and a locked bedroom door.
Drew Curtis
